The new medicine must be doing some good, I have had more energy than I have in awhile...unfortunately, the more I do, the more I hurt. Sitting back and relaxing for the rest of today, I sorted out several boxes of stuff today.

Ok, short post today, I hurt like hell. Found all the needed docs for my meeting with Oliver from Social Security for Disability. I had a decent day for happiness. Saw Zander to his first day of school. Tomorrow I'll likely be in the dumps, it's not likely they will accept me the first time around.

A new idea

So, I decided to start posting on here my feelings, my life, what's left of it. This is a place for me to explore my darkness, away from the constant flow of Facebook. Today, I had a "chat" with my "Ex" wife, or will be ex when the paperwork is done. She makes me feel like dying... I have been in so much pain since 2003, I just can't stand it anymore. 3 surgeries, countless drugs and therapies...for what? I live in a tiny room, devoid of almost anything that most people consider life. I have my laptop and a tv, I can "entertain" myself as much as I like, but why? I see my kids on 1 day a week, and they dislike both me and the place I live, the rules here, the fact that I try to improve the way they live by impressing the idea of cleaning up after themselves, both here, and at their mom's house. For that, I hear they hated it...I have zero money, none. I can't take them for a soda. I couldn't buy my youngest a gift for her birthday and she asked me where her present was...I had nothing. My mom got her a gift, but it is NOT the same. My son's birthday is coming up, and again, I have nothing. It will BREAK MY HEART to little pieces the day I cannot do that. If I was dead, then they would at least want me...they would get social security to help them live a better life. And they wouldn't have to listen to me tell them things then complain when they get home. I'm only good if I'm fun, and without income, I'm not fun...so, worthless me will be remembered as a worthless dad. It's awesome, and there is nothing I can do about it. I think about dying everyday...ways, would it hurt, would it be better for others, would I hurt people to leave...I think of it all. everyday. But I'm not brave enough to try it...and I know they'd hate me for it, that it's the "Easy way out" So cling to life I will, but I HATE HATE my life...I truely wish I'd never been born...it seems my life is one big sad story. My pain is rated about at childbirth level...can you IMAGINE being stuck at the pain level of giving birth for the rest of your life? I don't know what women go through from the inside, but from the outside it looks like you'd like that to be over as quickly as possible. I can't get away, drugs only mask the pain, it's still there...maddening...I truely believe it will drive me insane...if it hasn't already. And it's getting worse...slowly, and spreading slowly. On the outside, I look normal, and act fairly normal...but I'm screaming inside, begging for help...and there is no one there...no help for me...please, let it end, let me free of this...I can't take it. I long for death, an accidental death, or maybe I'll get lucky and be able to die saving someone else...that's how I want to go. My life could have been so much more...I wish it could be...I wish you could see me without this pain, the way I was, the way I was meant to be...before my life ended.

And time passed...

So time passed, and Van's remnants of his family sought out and found the destroyer of his family...but they did not know how to get the vengence they wanted so badly.
As with all things, years passed until one day Van found he had passed his prime, and now was a figurehead in a group of adventures. His responsibilities kept him quite busy, so it was with some surprise when a young lady presented herself to him one day and would not be put off with a hello, have nice day. She insisted on seeing him in private. Van viewed this as a ploy of some sort, but was confident that he was safe enough, so agreed. It was in that private meeting that the young woman revealed to him that she was half-elven, and his daughter.
He was happy and yet sad, because his daughter, Wren, said that his old enemy had destroyed the elven village. She wanted him to go with her to strike back at them, but Van said he needed to gather his forces before he could go with her. Distraught, the girl fled from him, and though he searched, he could not find her. He gathered the family and set out for the fortress that thier age old enemy called home. They arrived to find that the elven lass had tried to sneak in and been caught. So they besieged the fortress while Van and his family found a secret entrance and went in after her. The battles that were fought inside were numerous and hard won, but in the end, they confronted the sorcerer that had so long ago destroyed thier lives. He was in the middle of a ritual, with Wren bound before him, preparing to sacrifice her. Van did not think, he charged, and as he plunged his blade into the black heart of that man, the ritual went astray....and blackness enveloped both him and his daughter...

To save a life

The Elf, it seems, escaped a village that was burn to the ground by undead. And the cat, it turned out, was really a boy who was found wandering the forest...and trained as a druid...and a relative of Van's! Lenadiel, his youngest brother. Lan and Denoany separated at that point, Lan to take his wife to safety, while Van, Len, and the elf maiden named Selena traveled back into the woods to try to save the survivors.
They succeeded, and in the rejoicing, Van fell to the elf maidens charms. But the next morning departed with his brother to their hometown. He would never know what became of the elves after that.

The Druid and the Elf

The trip back required a long trek across the wilderness, and would take some time. They got provisions together, and started out...but the trip was slow, since none of them owned a horse. Along the way, they fought a few battles, but when they went through the last forest before returning to civilized lands, they found something that would detract from the trip altogether.
In the wood, they happened upon a Elven maiden, wounded, barely alive, and with her, a black tiger. Now a paladins touch can heal most wounds, and it was easy to heal them both. The story they told when they awoke was one of true horror, and as Paladins, Van and his brother could not ignore it. Though following it would bring about the seperation of his family once again...

Finding his family

So he set out from his temple home, searching for any survivors of his family. It wasn't too long till he found one, his brother, Lan. Lan was also found by temple monks and taken to their home, raised and trained as a Paladin! Also, Lan had taken a wife, Denonany! So he had both a brother and a sister in law! He was excited beyond all belief at his luck. They all decided to return to Van's hometown and then resume the search...however, this was not to be.