The new medicine must be doing some good, I have had more energy than I have in awhile...unfortunately, the more I do, the more I hurt. Sitting back and relaxing for the rest of today, I sorted out several boxes of stuff today.

Ok, short post today, I hurt like hell. Found all the needed docs for my meeting with Oliver from Social Security for Disability. I had a decent day for happiness. Saw Zander to his first day of school. Tomorrow I'll likely be in the dumps, it's not likely they will accept me the first time around.

A new idea

So, I decided to start posting on here my feelings, my life, what's left of it. This is a place for me to explore my darkness, away from the constant flow of Facebook. Today, I had a "chat" with my "Ex" wife, or will be ex when the paperwork is done. She makes me feel like dying... I have been in so much pain since 2003, I just can't stand it anymore. 3 surgeries, countless drugs and therapies...for what? I live in a tiny room, devoid of almost anything that most people consider life. I have my laptop and a tv, I can "entertain" myself as much as I like, but why? I see my kids on 1 day a week, and they dislike both me and the place I live, the rules here, the fact that I try to improve the way they live by impressing the idea of cleaning up after themselves, both here, and at their mom's house. For that, I hear they hated it...I have zero money, none. I can't take them for a soda. I couldn't buy my youngest a gift for her birthday and she asked me where her present was...I had nothing. My mom got her a gift, but it is NOT the same. My son's birthday is coming up, and again, I have nothing. It will BREAK MY HEART to little pieces the day I cannot do that. If I was dead, then they would at least want me...they would get social security to help them live a better life. And they wouldn't have to listen to me tell them things then complain when they get home. I'm only good if I'm fun, and without income, I'm not fun...so, worthless me will be remembered as a worthless dad. It's awesome, and there is nothing I can do about it. I think about dying everyday...ways, would it hurt, would it be better for others, would I hurt people to leave...I think of it all. everyday. But I'm not brave enough to try it...and I know they'd hate me for it, that it's the "Easy way out" So cling to life I will, but I HATE HATE my life...I truely wish I'd never been born...it seems my life is one big sad story. My pain is rated about at childbirth level...can you IMAGINE being stuck at the pain level of giving birth for the rest of your life? I don't know what women go through from the inside, but from the outside it looks like you'd like that to be over as quickly as possible. I can't get away, drugs only mask the pain, it's still there...maddening...I truely believe it will drive me insane...if it hasn't already. And it's getting worse...slowly, and spreading slowly. On the outside, I look normal, and act fairly normal...but I'm screaming inside, begging for help...and there is no one there...no help for me...please, let it end, let me free of this...I can't take it. I long for death, an accidental death, or maybe I'll get lucky and be able to die saving someone else...that's how I want to go. My life could have been so much more...I wish it could be...I wish you could see me without this pain, the way I was, the way I was meant to be...before my life ended.